A weekly column by Peter Lawless; Business Growth Specialist and Coach to Entrepreneurs. peter@3r.ie
Before I get sent hate mail, let me clearly state that I believe that friends and family are the greatest solace and support any person could wish for.
I sincerely hope that you get unconditional love at all times from your friends and family, however reality shows that this is not always the case and this article will help you distinguish whom your true friends are and how to deal with those that are not.
There is a common misconception that we can choose our friends and not our family, since we are born with our family.
In reality we can choose how we spend our time with both, based on the mutual value that they bring to our lives. Just as you are unique and there is no person in the world like you, there are also no two relationships the same.
I don't know your friends or family, so please do not go and take the title of this literally and go and tell your ancient mother that you are not going to ever visit her again, because this bloke in the paper said so!
True friendship is one of the most important ingredients in living a fruitful life that we can ever have. On the other hand, negativity from those that appear close to us can be more damaging than any thing else to our self esteem.
Negativity from friends or family can be pure poison!
There is an old saying that familiarity can breed contempt. Well there is no one more familiar with you than your friends and family. Again, let me offer a word of caution, insofar as I am not saying that all families or indeed all family members will be negative towards you.
In fact your family members can be your best friends and when that happens you are doubly blessed since they know you better than anyone else.
Unfortunately the most common source of negativity may come from our parents. We may find ourselves in the position where we realise that one or both of our parents allow their own needs to overshadow their responsibility of rearing confident independent children. This is especially true where you may only have one parent.
Indeed this phenomenon is most apparent amongst adults who become parents themselves and yet are still treated as though they were irresponsible children by their parents.
Many parents end up controlling their children even though they may be adults with the constant refrain “that this is for your own good”. This could end up leaving you highly dependent on their love and affection which are only then given when it suits them and not when you might actually need their support.
What you need to understand is that the reality of this overprotective form of control actually stems from the parents own sense of insecurity. By creating this deep dependence, they will always have the company of their child and thus avoid their own loneliness.
In most circumstances where there is more than one sibling, the parent will latch on to the most “kind hearted” child as they are the least likely to spurn the advances due to feelings of guilt.
The more a controlling parent undermines their adult child's confidence, the more that person becomes dependent on the parent. Indeed there will be situations, that other children who have moved far away from home can easily cope with, that become insurmountable obstacles that only the parent can seemingly alleviate!
The most frightening aspect to this whole scenario is that parent creates this feeling of helplessness and misery in the children so that that they can avoid the “empty feeling” that they may suffer.
The reality is that when children do move far away from home, the parent copes extremely well and in fact both parties lead far more fulfilling lives.
The real tragedy is that the greatest sufferers of all are the grandchildren who get totally confused from having multiple parents giving them mixed messages. They also see a lack of respect for their own parent, which can further undermine their own confidence and can lead to unstable adult behaviours themselves.
How to deal with family members who are not supportive.
The first step in dealing with negativity is recognising that a family member's agenda may not necessarily be to support you 100%. This could either be through a lack of understanding about what you want or desire or it could be due to their own selfish reasons.
I have focused quite considerably in the previous section on parents who may not be supportive. If you would like to get further information on how to deal with parents specifically, there is an excellent book that you may wish to purchase, “ Toxic Parents – overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life ” by Dr Susan Forward.
A supportive family member, whether they are a sibling, parent, spouse or cousin can be an incredible boost to one's self confidence and motivation. On the other hand it is important that you know how to deal with negativity.
The most difficult aspect of dealing with lack of support from family is that we tend to take on board all of their comments in a highly personal way. This can amplify the implied criticism and we tend to react far more emotionally than we would if the criticism was levelled at us by a stranger.
The lack of objectivity can lead to a paralysis as we start to engage in self doubt, since the person close to us obviously has our best interests at heart – or do they?
I was in a situation where a family member who was very close to me used to rubbish all ideas that I ever seemed to come up with. I used to get extremely hurt by this and the negative emotion that flooded my being made it difficult for me to operate in a rational frame of mind.
I finally learnt that in order to remove myself from this cycle of self doubt and hurt, I needed to find a way to avoid taking the criticism personally.
My first step was to look precisely at the reason that the person was saying the incredibly hurtful things to me. By stepping outside of my own persona I was able to objectively understand what their motive was.
Incredibly I then realised that they were actually not trying to hurt me specifically, in fact they were protecting themselves. In addition by stepping outside of myself and observe the comments being made to me, I was able to remove personal emotion from them.
From that point on I was able to create a strategy to avoid taking things personally. I can not say if this strategy will work for you, but I am now able to create a joke about their negative comments which has actually vastly increased the value of our relationship. We now both feel immeasurably better.
This approach will not always work. You will find situations when you finally stand up to the negative relative and they find a way of turning the whole confrontation right back at you. They are the martyr who has given up their life for you. They will use manipulative tactics which, before reading this article, would have made you back off again and give in to their wishes to the detriment of your self.
In order to regain your own self confidence and be able start living the life you deserve, I believe you need to find a response inside of yourself that both acknowledges their needs, while raising the priority of your own needs.
Here are some sample phrases that you could use to combat the responses you may get when trying to reclaim your independence. The key is to find a way to reflect the guilt, that is heaped upon you, back to the other person. - I understand how you are feeling and am aware that what I am saying may appear hurtful to you, however I need to start thinking about me right now and that is what I am doing.
- I know that everything you do for me is purely out of your love for me, in fact I don't know where I would be if it was not for your help and love. Now however if you do truly love me and want to help, you will let me do what I need to do. Your sacrifice will be the greatest gift that you could give me.
- When you support me in what I want to do, then I know you truly love me. In the past your support has been invaluable and given that true love is unconditional I know that you really do want the very best for me. Right now this is the best for me and if it may seem hurtful, then your understanding and acceptance is the ultimate proof of your love.
Obviously the wording that you may use will be your own, however I urge you to try and reclaim your life, self confidence and motivation back.
What is true Friendship?
Greater people than I have for years attempted to define friendship, so rather than just trying to create my own I have decided to share with you some of these famous people's insights and words on friendship. - "Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for 'tis better to be alone than in bad company." - George Washington
- "Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success." - Oscar Wilde
- "A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud." - Ralph Waldo Emerson,
- "True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and choice." - Samuel Johnston,
- "Have no friends not equal to yourself." - Confucious
- "Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind." - Samuel Taylor Coleridge
- "My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me." - Henry Ford
- "Friendship without self interest is one of the rare and beautiful things in life." - James Francis Byrnes
- "Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light." - Helen Keller
W hat ever advice you receive from someone close to you it is important that you ask yourself what is that person's agenda. In most cases the advice will come from genuine concern and love for you.
In order to ascertain the value of what you are being told you should sit back and ask yourself if you were giving someone else advice – your own and the advice you are receiving – which piece should they take.
By stepping back you can view the help in an objective manner and then take the appropriate actions to lead you towards your goals and dreams.
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